AnnoyingCustomer.com
People you just want to tell to STFU
"What the hell are you doing?!?"
Face it, you know that customers are annoying, even if you're one of them. They're clueless and stupid, they don't follow directions, and they expect you to be a mind-reader and magician, solving all of their problems before they've even described them. AnnoyingCustomer.com's purpose is to allow you, the cognizant worker, a place to vent and share your tales of these annoying little shits and their acts of stupidity.
Annoying customers can often be categorized into the following groups:
From 1-800 help lines to corporate help desks, some of the most clueless customers are those using computers. We've all heard the horror stories of people holding papers up to monitors trying to fax, or using their cd drives as cup holders. Well, here's a few more.
Engrish? We no speak no stinking Engrish!
Back in my days in an annoying, crappy little email support call center we'd get all sorts of stupid shit from people, most of whom were completely incapable of forming a sentence in their native (or in some cases second) tongue. Here are a few examples.
"Thank you in advanced." - You're quite welcomed!
"At present e-mail address malfunction namely is critical, because this is mine private business address. I am contacted from hereof reason to your support detachment to knew reason nullification active e-mail server and of my amounts." - Rutabaga watermelon binary apocalypse yams to you too!
"None of the messages are reaching the destinataries." - Where are the sendamatories sending the messages?
"If it was something inadverted, please correct it." - Don't worry, we'll readvert it.
"Im getting the following error message every time I click in any buttons in my inbox page, which makes me completely impossibilitated from using my e-mail." - Impossibilitated - possibly the best word never invented.
Anger is a gift
Then there's the customers who just get pissed off and start to rant. I guess nobody told them you catch more bees with honey....
"I am getting this all the time! when deleting my mail! I have sent this to you before and never got any answer... Why are you there?! What is the purpose of your existance if YOU CANT HELP!" - The purpose of my existence is to be bothered by annoying assholes like you.
"SMTP open relays are the street sluts of the e-mail business, and no self respecting ISP would want to mate--er interface with them." - Your wife is the SMTP open relay of your neighborhood....
"If it was something inadverted, please correct it. If it was on purpose, so much for your American freedom and supposed distate for monopolies. Microsoft products dont measure up but to the lowest world product standards. Im sure you are perfectly aware that Windows is one of the worst pieces of software ever made." - The beauty of it is that I don't work for Microsoft.
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I've also had the joy of working in retail settings, where customers can be even more annoying.
Take, for instance, back when I worked as a grocery store cashier. I'd have women ranting and raving over the cost of a jar of mayonnaise (I told one that I'd bring it up at the next board meeting), people getting pissed because I didn't know offhand the price per pound of bananas, and people bitching about their grocery bags being too heavy, too light, too just right, etc.
My personal favorite was the day a lady had about 20 items and wanted to split them up into three orders, paying for one with cash, one with credit, and one by check. The natives behind her in line were growing a bit restless, so when she dropped her pen and said, "I'm trying to hurry," the guy behind her made a snide comment along the lines of "Aren't we all."
This chick wheeled around and told the guy that since he only had a few items he should go to the express lane. His exact response was, and I quote, "You should lose some weight," pausing for a moment before repeating for effect, "As long as we're telling each other what to do, you ought to lose some weight."
Naturally, the woman was just a bit offended but could only stammer out, "At least I'm beautiful on the inside, which is more than you can say!"
He replied, "Blah blah blah."
I laughed for the rest of my shift.
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You'd think that working in a big-business corporate environment people would be a bit brighter, but they're not.
Back when I was working email support a guy from the legal department (2000 miles away) called and let me know that they were having printer problems. I tried explaining that I couldn't do anything about it since I was there to help the customers, not the headquarters (and since I had nothing to do with printers) but pretty much every day around Christmas, when the corporate helpdesk was on vacation, he called to make sure there was nothing I could do. And the beautiful thing was that the printer problems weren't preventing them from doing anything, they just didn't want to walk across the floor to the other printer. You gotta love lawyers.
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